Dating in your 30s: Why it is so hard for women and 3 things you can do!
Do you remember Bridget Jones? The movie was released in 2001 and the book was published before the turn of the millennium. That's been a long time, and yet little has changed in the dating landscape. Doesn’t this sound familiar to you?
“Resolution number one: Obviously will lose twenty pounds. Number two: Always put last night’s panties in the laundry basket. Equally important, will find sensible boyfriend to go out with and not continue to form romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobic’s, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits or perverts.”
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"Alcoholics, workaholics, relationship phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional nutcases or perverts" are still around today. Just as many women say to themselves after years of experience with such men that this must finally be stopped - and at 30 they are looking for someone who fits them better. But dating at 30 is exhausting in its own way.
What makes dating over 30 so exhausting?
Dating as a woman over 30 is different from dating as a woman over 20: for one thing, numbers can cause social pressure. IIt’s said that the biological clock is ticking, that it is time to get married and that women (obviously) no longer have the body of a 20-year-old. (Not sure if this is a bad thing though) In addition, more and more of our friends are in a the comfortable situation that staying in bed on a Sunday morning is something to be achieved. In other words, they no longer have so much time to dance through the clubs and bars at night. But that wouldn't be possible at the moment anyway due to Corona. Also the possibility of being set up (not that it worked before) is gone - and we don't meet a bunch of new people like we used to during uni. Anyway, who has the time for a dating marathon?
But the hardest thing about dating over 30: your own emotional pressure. Any relationship could be the relationship of the rest of your life. Do I want this person? Do I want children with this person? Do I want children at all? Does this person want me?
Self-doubt is a real blockage.
In my practice I often enough experience, how intelligent, beautiful women, are very critical or even destructive to themselves. There are thoughts of women being too heavy; that they are too demanding; that they are too complicated and broken; that they are not beautiful enough; that they are too independent; that they are too old. The list can be continued indefinitely. Most women over 30 do not need tips on the perfect pickup line or how to flirt. Often it is a question of trust. Trust in the other person. And trust in yourself!
It is absolutely understandable that our self-esteem after an unhappy relationship is low. And who experiences herself always as the only single, understandably asks herself: “what is wrong with me?”
But the truth is often: Many women are simply too critical of themselves and with all the criticism it becomes very difficult to go out and look for someone - and even if a woman has found someone, she finds it hard to believe that she REALLY is lovable. And then her s.o. feels not taken seriously or feels the distrust or wonders why you can't enjoy the time together. You get where low self worth is taking us.
From my experience as a couples counselor, this harsh self-criticism is the brake we have to release. It's not about taking a 180° turn and never reflecting on ourselves again - but releasing this break just little enough to let us pick up some momentum. But how can this be done?
3 tips to release your inner brake while dating
1. dating tip: Be smart
No matter how painful an experience was, it does not automatically make it a bad one. What you have experienced so far makes you wise and smart. Experience and life are never something to be ashamed of. An important step is to see your own experience as a treasure instead of perceiving yourself as broken.
2. dating tip: Be sexy.
Ever wondered why Carrie Bradshaw looks so much more attractive than Bridget Jones, even though both are single women in their 30s? From my point of view it's not a question of shoes or figure: Carrie is surrounded by wonderful, great other single women. She's in wonderful company and that makes living and dating so much more fun.
For me, being "sexy" does not mean that a woman has to throw herself into a short dress. Loneliness makes you bitter and bitter - but we can change that. To see that we women are not alone in our struggle has something healing and constructive. To enjoy life and to make the best out of the situation has an incredible attraction. And it is much easier with great female companions who are in a similar situation.
Tip 3: Love yourself
Sometimes we find it difficult to see the good in ourselves. And that is so normal. For many it is so much easier to see something good in the world or to do something good for others than for themselves. The closer we are to someone, the more difficult it is for us to have compassion. And guess who is closest to ourselves? It’s our ego.
It is easier for us to accept ourselves when our environment reflects this back to us. Getting feedback from people who see us from a healthy distance can feel like wiping of the dust from our mirrors.
My name is Dr. Sharon Brehm and I offer systemic couple therapy and EFT couple therapy in Munich. My office for single and couple therapy is right in the center of Munich.
On my blog you will find all interessting thoughts about love and relationships: From interviews with other couple therapists, to information about emotions and relationship advice. Right now, I’m translating my articles step by step - if you are impatient, check the German version and have a look there :)
If you want to get to know me more, you can find me also on Instagram! If you prefer videos: I also have a few YouTube videos on my channel (though in German, but maybe this is the time to work on your language skills too ;) . You’d help me a lot, if you subscribe to it!
Photo credit: Pricilla Du Preez via unsplash