How important is romance in our relationships? Or: why I as a couples counselor am not a romantic.
Those who know me will laugh - or at least smile - after this statement. Why should a couples therapist say that she is not a romantic? Especially one who believes in love as and who talks about feelings as if they were her most famous dish - and don't you hear everywhere how important romance is for a relationship?
Of course I believe in magical connections between people, in the coup d’amour, in encounters that are more beautiful than any Hollywood movie. To be honest, I not only believe in them, I have experienced them often enough and know enough people who have experienced this intense feeling of happiness, ecstasy, peace and attraction. Despite this, I am not a romantic. But to understand what I mean, let’s have a look into the history of relationship ideals.
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Is romance important for our relationships or does it simply shape our current ideal of love?
That is an important distinction. After all, we often hear that romance is important for our relationship. But if red roses, candlelight and charming words would be enough for successful relationships, people would probably no longer need couples therapy.
We got many of our romantic ideas from the era of Romance around the end if the 18th century. Feelings, love, longings, but also mysticism and idealization are elements that we owe to romanticism. This alone is very important for our conceptions of relationships nowadays: feelings and our inner world is just as important as our circumstances.
In the epoch of romanticism people therefore began to rebel against conventions for their love. For the romantics it was no longer a reason to marry because one field was next to the other. (For the sake of completeness: it still took some time until love marriage was accepted in all social classes). That we can choose our partners ourselves is a privilege that we owe to romanticism.
Romanticism is important in so far as feelings shape our relationships more than economic thoughts, and that we give feelings space at all. But at the same time, romantic gestures alone are rarely the solution to our relationship problems. Moreover, romance also brings with it relationship ideals, which I personally also view critically.
Important and actual ideals of romance
1. Dating is more important than the relationship itself
Have you ever wondered why Hollywood just shows how couples come together? Or what happens after the happy end of a movie? With a few exceptions, Hollywood mainly depicts how couples come together and what obstacles are waiting for us when we meet. Dating is the most important and exciting stage of a relationship - after that it can only get boring / exhausting / dangerous.
Without question, getting together can be difficult: From finding the right person to the challenge to trust somebody new. But for most people, the dating part is a comparatively short time. Plus, how a relationship can continue in a harmonious, balanced, exciting way often remains untold in the media.
2. A relationship must be perfect from the beginning
As the focus of romance is in on the beginning of a relationship, everything must be perfect from the beginning as well. The result is often that we idealize our person of choice, or that we try to be as flawless as possible. We are extra cool, unbelievably charming, have no demands and are up to any kind of “fun”, we have no debts and no diseases or any kind of baggage.
But where perfection has to be, there is no room for vulnerability and humanity - and therefore no room for real intimacy and authenticity.
3. A relationship shouldn't be work
We have to work for our money, we have to work on our body, we even have to work with our animals. But in our relationship we don't need to work or invest or change. After all, we are perfect. And because we are without blemish, we also have the right to unconditional love just as we got it from our parents. That's why it's also enough if we buy flowers after an affair or wear sexy lingerie for more eroticism or light candles for intimate conversations.
4. Sex and feelings are inevitably connected
Another romantic idea is that sex and feelings are inevitably linked. If I love someone, then the sex is good too. And if the sex is good, then I am in love too. That sex and feelings exist independently sounds quite scandalous from a romantic point of view.
5. Romance doesn’t think of everyday life
When you look at pictures by Caspar David Friedich, you see nature and mysterious landscapes. The motifs of romanticism are about longing, love, wanderlust, but also political motifs such as escaping the world and criticism of society and politics. Therefore there is little room for everyday themes such as washing clothes, cleaning the bathroom and financial planning. The fact that we perceive these topics in our relationships as disturbing instead of normal is also due to romanticism.
More important than romance is ...
With her focus on feelings and her enthusiasm for relationships, romance is naturally important in relationships and I would be lying if I denied the appeal of love letters and flowers. The problem is: romance leads us to doubt ourselves and to miss creating real and authentic relationships.
We talk more about getting to know each other and are more interested in Tinder stories than in real relationship issues (which are boring or shameful). We find it ridiculous to argue about curtains and finances. We think that there is something wrong with us if we do not love unconditionally. But mature love has conditions. These misconceptions are painful.
Please don't get me wrong, romantic ideas have their justification and everyone is allowed to believe what they like. I just have the impression that we lack alternative relationship ideals - and I would like to make up for that. One possibility is to orientate oneself on ideas of the antiquity and classicism.
1. There are different types of loves
The storyline of romance centers around falling in love. After that relationships go downhill and get boring. In comparison, Plato described that there are different types of love. Sometimes love is more sensual and erotic, sometimes more platonic, sometimes more pragmatic.
Instead of panicking because the first phase of falling in love seems to be over, I suggest celebrating other forms of love as well. Because it is only a matter of time until butterflies return to your stomach. Panta rhei - Everything flows. And that also applies to love.
2. The goal of relationships is to grow together
Red roses and chocolate are nice. But the greatest proof of love anyone can give me is to grow together with me and to see and accept me in my flaws. As long as we hold on to a romantic relationship ideal, we also believe that we have to be perfect and cannot accept criticism.
When we become aware that relationships have the goal to grow in them, we realize that we don't have to be afraid of not being lovable anymore. We realize that everything that annoys us has more to do with ourselves than with our significant other. Or that it is not about justifying ourselves or shifting blame back and forth, but that honesty also means intimacy. Or that we can all still learn how to teach and learn well. In the words of Socrates: "There is only one good, knowledge, and one evil, ignorance.“
3. Never stop investing
This is how I see it: A romance attitude mainly prepares us for the job interview, without thinking about how to go on. But how long would we retain an employee who is no longer interested in investing after the probationary period?
Dating has its own complexity - of course - but it is just one station. Just as spring is only one season.
4. Eroticism needs broader definitions
It’d be flat to say sex only works with feelings. It would be naive to think that sex can only be romantic. Because sex is not only clean, according to the rules and innocent - sex can and should also be wild and wet and dirty.
Maybe Aristotle did not think about sex when he wrote this: „ "There is no genius without a touch of madness". But to let go and define your own rules is important for eroticism. And isn't it also a little bit crazy to be vulnerable and authentic in such a perfectionist world 😉
5. Logic is as important for relationships as emotions
"Educating the mind without Educating the heart is no education at all," says Artistotle. Knowledge and science are so fundamental for Greek philosophers. To research, to explore and to critically question one's own hypotheses is absolutely normal for this zeitgeist. As important as emotions and feelings are to me, it is just as important for me as a scientist to take a look into research.
For those who want to read up on it, have a look at attachment theory and emotion-focused therapy, as well as therapies according to Gottman. Both directions conducted numerous studies about the effectiveness of couples therapy and happy relationships.
This article could also be interesting to you: An interview with Sue Johnson and how to change the atmosphere in our relationships
What ideas do you take from Greek philosophy? Share them in the comments!
My name is Dr. Sharon Brehm and I offer systemic couple therapy and EFT couple therapy in Munich. My office for single and couple therapy is right in the center of Munich.
On my blog you will find all interessting thoughts about love and relationships: From interviews with other couple therapists, to information about emotions and relationship advice. Right now, I’m translating my articles step by step - if you are impatient, check the German version and have a look there :)
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Photo credit: Diego Rezende via unsplash