How to help your partner in case of racism or discrimination? 3 advice for emotional healing
Share this article with your loved ones. What do they think about emotional safety?
I can understand the disillusionment. Debates about multiculturalism, about diversity and anti-discrimination have been going on for decades. For decades, we have been talking about how to achieve a different way of working together. And as many steps have been taken in one direction, so many regressions seem to have occurred. But that is precisely why it is important to feel secure with the person of one's heart and conversely to feel competent to stand by the person of one's heart. In this article I share what we can do in a binational partnership when our partners have had racist and discriminatory experiences.
More binational couples thanks to Online Dating
A Stanford study published in 2017 shows that online dating brings together more couples who do not have the same origin or cultural background. And that's great, because it makes the world more colorful. But if you are now with someone who is supposedly or actually from somewhere else, you are also confronted with the question of how you can react well to such experiences. In this article we will first of all deal with emotional support.
What can we do to provide emotional support to our partner in the event of discrimination?
1. Binational couples need an alliance
The problem with discriminatory experiences is often that we feel quite alone with them. If we were part of the majority, we probably would not have had this experience. For this very reason it is important to have a feeling of solidarity and alliance - and to not feel excluded. As partners we can create this alliance by listening and being interested.
Sometimes it also makes sense to meet other bi- and multinational couples in order to exchange ideas together. The feeling of connection is a pillar of self-compassion, as Kristin Neff expresses it. And self-compassion is especially needed when we cannot change a situation and it is still difficult.
2. By acknowledging other experiences, we heal emotional pain
At the core of racist or discriminatory experiences is often a feeling of inferiority and rejection. Therefore it is especially important not to repeat these feelings while listening to our s.o.. If we start with explaining or teaching them why their behavior naturally causes this reaction, they probably feel inferior. And we all would. In German we say “Selbst ein Ratschlag ist ein Schlag” what can be roughly translated to “even advice is a hit”.
And I know where this need to explain is coming from. Many people underestimate how important listening is. We fear that if we “only” listen, we are not giving enough. But attention is one of the most expensive things of our time. As well as understanding and sympathy.
On the other side, no one wants to be pitied either. If we feel pity, we feel belittled - and there is a huge difference between pity and empathy.
We can heal emotional wounds caused by racism and discrimination by simply acknowledging it. We can only heal what we see. And we can only heal it properly if we see it clearly.
3. A civil courage and anti-discrimination training gives you as a binational couple self-confidence and preparation
Sometimes we experience discrimination live and in situ - but how can we react in such a moment? The most important thing is to first prepare ourselves for the fact that something like this can happen. If we have not prepared ourselves mentally, we are often overwhelmed by the situation and do not know how to react. It can therefore make sense to have already completed a civil courage or anti-discrimination training in advance. In addition, such training strengthens our self-confidence and can help us to avoid being approached in advance.
The police in Germany regularly conduct such training. There are also many clubs nationwide where you can find out more together. In Munich, for example, there is the Verein Zivilcourage für Alle e.V.
If you need help or assistance, feel free to contact me or book a session. I offer couples counselling online and in my office in Munich.
My name is Dr. Sharon Brehm and I offer systemic couple therapy and EFT couple therapy in Munich. My office for single and couple therapy is right in the center of Munich.
On my blog you will find all interessting thoughts about love and relationships: From interviews with other couple therapists, to information about emotions and relationship advice. Right now, I’m translating my articles step by step - if you are impatient, check the German version and have a look there :)
If you want to get to know me more, you can find me also on Instagram! If you prefer videos: I also have a few YouTube videos on my channel (though in German, but maybe this is the time to work on your language skills too ;) . You’d help me a lot, if you subscribe to it!
Photo credit cover: Joanna Nix-Walkup via unsplash